Getting Close

I've prayed about this. From the start of the year, right after I screwed everything up, I've been praying about this. I don't think I've been so sure of anything in me life. I'm getting closer, God. I know I am.

Sometimes it feels like I take one step forward to take two steps back. And that may be what's happening, but I'm still moving forward, slowly but surely. He thinks I can't handle the baggage. I don't wanna hear about baggage! lol. I know, it's a legitimate concern. I really believe I can handle this. I wouldn't still be here. I would have said for get it a long time ago when I had the chance(s). But I didn't. I stayed because I knew what I wanted. I know what I want and I'm gonna say here still I get it. I'm not going anywhere, and I don't know if he knows that. I know I overreacted before, but that wasn't me. And I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior, I just really believe that I was suffering a hormonal imbalance at the time! Either way, all that's over with now. I'm calm. I can do this.

I really want to have this conversation face to face with him, but I don't want him to try to avoid it, because I'll be nice/weak and let him. At least no one's angry this time. There should be no reason to be afraid of this conversation. I just want to talk to him face to face. I want him to see the calm and assurity in my eyes, to know that I'm serious. And then at the end of the conversation, if nothing favorable can be resolved, if it comes down to a point where he really just doesn't want to try, then I'll have to respect that and back off. But he will also.

I know he has past hurt, but that doesn't scare me. I can deal with that. I can help with that. I'm gaining peace with anything about his past that upset me before. His past has made him the man he is today, and I definitely can't be upset about that, because I love the man he is. I just at least want to let him know all this, because maybe he'll think differently. Maybe he can be swayed, I don't know. But I have to try at least. I have to have faith that he can. I would not have come this far for nothing. There is no way.

I really believe I'm getting close, Father.

Twisted

Not really a writer, but I was listening to P!nk and thought, "man, I wish I could be that raw". Her songs just put so much of herself out in a way that I have yet to figure out. I have yet to figure out how to be vulnerable and NOT think that its literally gonna kill me. So this is my attempt. This is what I'm feeling right now.

Twisted.

Inside its dark and twisted. I said some things, but I'm tryna fix it. One day, I'll get it
straight, ironed out. I'll get it out. But right now, its all so twisted.

Depression gets me down, can't sleep, won't eat. Won't see anyone. The anger of it all causes me
to drown, drown deep, so deep. Don't see it though. The confusion takes me under. My heart is in a blender. My head is everywhere and my emotions so tender. It's all tangled up inside.

It's twisted. Inside its dark and twisted. I said some things, but I'm tryna fix it. One day, I'll get it straight, ironed out. I'll get it out. But right now, its all so twisted.

I told you to leave, get goin, get out. We're through. You didn't speak, no questions, no reaction.
What the hell did I do? The confusion takes me under. My heart is in a blender. My head is everywhere and my emotions so tender. I'm so tangled up inside.

I'm twisted. Inside I'm dark and twisted. I said some things, but I'm tryna fix it. One day, I'll get it right. Just sit tight, we'll be alright. Just right now, its all so twisted.

I feel so much, and it doesn't always come out right. If you give me some time, I'm sure we can
work it out. Don't give up on me, cause I'm trying hard, baby. I try to fight my feelings, but I can't conquer you. I've never been here before, this is all so new. I've done the best I could, what else can I do? I want you. I want you, but I just can't tell you because the feelings are all so twisted.

Inside is dark and twisted. I said those things, but I didn't mean it. One day, I'll get it straight. We can be together and I'll be okay. But just for now, I'm a little twisted.

My head's a little twisted.
My heart's a little twisted.
I'm just a little twisted.

Imbalance

I absolutely HATE sometimes how my period makes me flip out about nothing! This time though, it was the birth control! lol. This Ocella has seriously affected me. I have gone thru the gammot of emotions with no sign or warning. Just out of nowhere. And what's funny to me is that I thought this stuff would at least lower my testosterone levels so I wouldn't feel so crazily "randy" when I do, but I don't think it's really working! I think for a while I thought it was and that's probably just because the pill has me menstrating and so I know in my head I'm out of commission anyway. But now the cravings (and yes, I said cravings!) are coming back just like they were before! And like I said, I've gone through it w/my emotions. I've been angry, jealous, depressed and wanting to cry, depressed and wanting to be alone, and depressed and drinking. There is definitely an imbalance going on here!

Same ol', same ol'

I decided to journal again. Since I discovered blogging, my journal hasn't seen the light of day. I decided to journal because for some reason, there's just something about physically releasing the words on your mind and on your heart thru your hand, thru your pen, onto the paper so you can see and feel the words. It's a totally different kind of release that you don't get from typing it out somehow.

But typing is much faster. And my hand usually doesn't cramp up either. :P

I was looking thru some of the old entries I had in there. Of course, they were nearly all about boys. I thought I had so many issues. I'm pretty sure I still those same problems today. I think I just may have learned to deal with some of them better. Others, maybe not so much. It's funny to see how I was really trippin over some of these guys that just turned out to be lames or a waste of time anyway. I sit and wonder, how much have I really grown since then? How far have I really come if I'm still sitting in the same place, thinking and feeling some of the same things, only about different people? Have I really grown up that much in the past 2 years if I still sit and get angry at myself for falling for yet another guy? I'm afraid the answer is possibly no.

The most progress it seems I've made is that now the guy is older. Not sure if that's better or worse. I think sometimes that its just the hormones of my period, it'll all be over in 3-5 days. This is day 3, and nothing seems to have let up. Then I say, 'well, I just started some new birth control, maybe that's affecting my attitude also'. If that's the case, they say the side effects may last up to 3 months after starting the pill. Who knows what the hell I'll end up doing or saying in that time...

I think my biggest problem right now that I'm not sure of exactly what I want right now. Maybe if I figure that out, I can decided who and what I should be angry at, or even if I should be angry at all! lol. In the meantime, I'm just gonna continue to be angry at the world and not know why. I'm gonna continue to cuss him out and not be able to tell him why. I'm just gonna keep drinkin when I'm not feeling like the Sunshine in my name, like I am now. I'll keep listening to Amy Winehouse. lol. Not that she's not just a great artist to listen to anyway, but come on. She's gotta problem.

Speakin of problems, seems like I've just been jumping from one to the next. First I was so busy I was tired all the time, not getting adequate rest. Then I was horny all the time and wanted sex, like violently. Now I'm angry all the time. Something's gotta give, what the hell is goin on?! And I'm not even writing any music about it, at least to get SOME kinda profit out of all this suffering! lol.

Idk son. Shit's just effed up right now. I'm just trying to deal w/it without bursting into tears in the middle of church service like I have before. Now I just need to work on keepin my face and attitude together, even if it's not all the way together on the inside. Everyone doesn't have to know.

Well, unless they read my blog.

Love is a losing game

Amy Winehouse has a song by that name, I'm listening to it now.

I'm pretty sure I may have a problem. I really like this dude, and I think its probably to a fault. I should've known better. I wouldn't even know how to begin talkin to him about this. I dont want him to think I'm catchin feelings (which I am) and that I can't handle what I got myself into (which I can't) and I'm in over my head (which I may be). This sucks. I'll finish later maybe, I'm typing this from my phone and it's not as fun as I thought it would be. I did do good on music choice tho, Back To Black by Amy Winehouse always seems fitting with man problems...

Friendly Conversations

Last night I got a great chance to catch up with an old friend. We had dinner and sat and talked, and it was beautiful. I don't get the chance to do that often at all, so that was a much needed release. Most things going on in my life right now I haven't talked about out loud at all, and it felt good to unload that way.

As I was talking to my old friend, I was telling him about how I had grown and my state of mind about a lot of different things and why I think the way I do now. Last he knew me, I was about 15 years old and still quite enamored with one particular boy, still not knowing much about people or anything in life at all. Now he sees me and hears me saying all these things and he's a little taken back by how much I've grown up and changed. We ended up talking about relationships. I told him I have a friend, we keep each other company when we need it, but it's nothing official because we don't have the time and don't want to get our hopes up.

Then that went on into what I'm doing with my life right now. I'm really busy, which is why I don't really have time for a real boyfriend I guess. But I tend to do things to keep myself busy on purpose. I don't like to have too much time to sit around and think about things. In doing that, I end up suppressing a lot.

I was talking w/my pastor's wife one day and I started crying. I usually do when we have serious conversations, even about everyday things. I told her I didn't know why I always did that, I just couldn't help it. She told me I may be depressed. Talking with my old friend last night, I could feel myself beginning to cry. I took another sip of my drink, ate a bite of salad, and proceeded to ask about his life. I realized that there may be tons of feeling and emotions and thoughts that need to come out and are just bubbling below the surface. Now anything little thing that happens to me, I want to break down and cry. I feel weak all the time and I'm tired. But I don't tell anyone. I just press on.

If nothing at all, I am definitely lacking an outlet. At least someone to talk to. But my pastor's wife may be on to something.

Someday At Christmas

Listen to Stevie Wonder sing this song here!

Someday at Christmas
Men won't be boys
playing with bombs like kids play with toys
one warm december our hearts will see
a world where men are free

Someday at Christmas there'll be no wars
when we have learned what Christmas is for
When we have found what life's really worth
there'll be peace on Earth

Someday all our dreams will come to be
Someday in a world where men are free
Maybe not in time for you and me
but someday at Christmas time

Someday at Christmas we'll see a land
with no hungry children, no empty hands
One happy morning people will share
a world where people care

Someday at Christmas there'll be no tears
where all men are equal and no men have fears
One shining moment, one prayer away
from our world today

Someday all our dreams will come to be
One day in a world where men are free
Maybe not in time for you and me
but someday at Christimas time

Someday at Christmas men will not fail
Hate will be gone and love will prevail
Someday a new world that we can start
with hope in every heart

...............

........maybe I spoke too soon.......

Passion...

This year, I have officially become a part of the ICON family, and I love it. It's a wonderful, much needed support system. And there's nothing better for me than to be surrounded by people that share some of the same loves and passions I do. We feel the same about music, about art. I was explaining to a friend last night that when I think about what it does for me to do a show, form that bond w/castmates, or sing a song with all my might, there are no words for it. There's no way to verbally describe how it feels. You just feel it, and it just is. And all I can say is "love". It is love manifested into something visual, into sound, into something you can touch and feel with your fingertips.



Last night I was with one of my newfound family members and had an inspiring, uplifting, enlightening, encouraging, and emotional conversation. He gave me some great advice and wonderful words of encouragement that I need to hear. There was so much love and passion filling the air, at times it was difficult to hold back my emotions. At the same time, it all felt so cleansing, like such a release. It was wonderful. I am so appreciative of all that God is giving me. I've been saying for a while now that 2009 has beaten us up in so many ways, it must be God's way of preparing us for something great in 2010! I'm just trying to make it to the finish line.

There is so much love in my heart right now. So much feeling, so much going on, so much moving. I want to sing, I want to soar. I want to express. I want to create. I want to go places and see things. I want to make new memories and start new traditions. I want to love like I've never loved anything before. I want to free myself of my inhibitions and no longer be a slave to my fear. There is so much in me I could burst. I just want to take the time to breathe this all in...

Maxwell Stew or Beyonce Rolls?

I have come to the conclusion that anyone who doesn't like Maxwell's latest album, thinks he's previous work were better, more "gorwn n sexy", or thinks the quality of his music has declined, is simply just not on his level. ESPECIALLY one who wants to call themselves a fan or appreciator of soul music.

A friend of mine told me last night that he thinks Maxwell is boring. Mind you, his favorite artist of today is probably Beyonce. Not to knock her gifts, but the truth is the two artists are coming from 2 different realms.

BEYONCE--This woman is no doubt, a performer who knows how to work her @$$ off. She will do whatever it takes to get the results she wants, and she works hard for the money, so it better work hard for her! She's an avid student of "the run", and is taking up "falsetto" (I think she needs some extra tutoring judging from her performance in Ego...). She is a pop star. She's the type of singer that keeps things interesting by taking risks with the one voice she has, and is training to become a powerhouse. She has the capabilities to sing a song straight, minimal runs, and still have it sound beautiful. At 27, she is still young, as is her voice, so she is not quite at the point where she'll be able to sing a song purely w/passion and emotion, w/o any decorating to try and make it interesting, and truly bring the feeling of the song to life. That will come with maturity and time.

MAXWELL-- This man is like a gentle giant in terms of performance, a quiet storm, if you will. He is a perfectionist, very meticulous when it cmes to the details of his artistry, and is shows in his music. He's much more laid back as a performer and singer, but works just as hard. Maxwell is older with more life experience. He's seen and felt things that cannot be described in words, and the only way to fully express it is through his art. On his cd, there are some songs where the passion in his singing is so strong it almost busts the speakers. His words are so saturated in feeling, anguish, regret, and love, that even a single note can sound as passionate as any 50-note run and move one's soul.

Granted, this comparison is probably not the fairest being that these two artists are 1) male and female, 2) in 2 different genre's. Can one really compare a pop singer to a soul singer? Lyrically, their works are bound to be on 2 different levels from the jump. Instrumentation and production adds to the effect of musicianship and artistry as apposed to pop star status also. These two performers are obviously on 2 different roads, looking for very different results.

Bottom line, you can't listen to a Maxwell album and expect what you would listening to a Beyonce album. Beyonce's music is crafted more toward the music listeners that are about 25 and under. This is the spoiled generation in which everything is about instant gratification, microwaves, and instant text messaging. Most artists of today's music is more like pizza rolls or popcorn, ready to enjoy in less than 2 minutes. Maxwell's music is more like a stew, it has to simmer and slow cook, but man oh man if it isn't FAR more satisfying when it's done!